MUSIC AND MUSICIAN JOKES
You probably won't find these funny. We did though and that's why they're here.
If you've a got a good music related joke, please head to Contact Rock Realms and share it with the rest of the world!
Please note we love everyone and everything connected with music. This is all meant in fun. DO NOT take offence!
Jokes last updated ... 15th January 2010 ...
What does Robert Plant leave when he goes to the loo?
A Big Log.
(Thanks to ‘Nicky’)
What's the difference between a sound man and God?
God doesn't think he's a sound man.
What's a guitar player's idea of honesty in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.
What should you give a keyboard player who has everything?
A bass player to show him how to work it.
What's black and brown and looks good on a songwriter?
A Rottweiler.
What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
The bull has the horns in the front and the ass hole in the back.
How do you make a million pounds playing rock music?
Start with two million.
What's the definition of an optimist?
A guitarist with a mortgage.
What's the difference between violin players and terrorists?
Terrorists have sympathizers.
How do you improve the aerodynamics of a guitarist's transport?
Take the pizza delivery box off the back.
What's the difference between a recorder and an onion?
No one cries when you chop up a recorder.
What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?
Drool.
What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?
He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.
A kazoo player went to a psychiatrist.
After listening to his problems, the psychiatrist declared, “I think your problem is low self esteem. It’s very common amongst total losers.”
Saw a terrible gig in South East Asia once.
What - Singapore?
Yeah, he was terrible. And the rest of the band were too.
(Thanks to ‘Boatman’ from the ARfm Forums)
The groupie went into a bar.
She
asked for a double entendre, so the bartender gave her one.
Why is a groupie like a dog poo?
The older it is, the easier it is to pick up.
How do you make a singer drink?
Put him in a blender.
The singer went into the bank to withdraw some money.
“Can you identify yourself?” asked the teller.
The singer pulled a diamond encrusted mirror from his pocket and peered at his reflection. “Yes, it’s definitely me.”
A drummer was signing autographs.
A fan came up and asked, “If you could play with any guitarist, live or dead, who would you choose?”
“Oh, that’s easy,” the drummer replied, “The live one. The dead one would be useless.”
This purple-haired musician went into a music store.
“Where are the accordions?” he asked.
“Over there,” said the shop owner.
"Ooh, I’ll have the big red one in the corner.”
The store owner looked at his customer, one eyebrow raised. “You’re actually blonde, aren’t you?”
“Yes, how did you know?”
“That’s the radiator."
How do you make a keyboard player cross?
Nail two keyboard players together.
Did you hear the terrible story about the pyro-tech who was killed by one of his stage props?
Still, at least he got a discount at the crematorium.
What’s the difference between a band leader and a gynaecologist?
A gynaecologist sucks his fingers...
What’s the difference between a groupie and a walrus?
One is wet, has a moustache and smells of fish, the other is a walrus.
The drunk musician staggered down to hotel reception and demanded a change of room.
“Very well sir,’ said the receptionist. “May I ask what is wrong with your current room?”
“Well,” said the musician. “For one thing, it’s on fire.”
Why did the rocker get poo in his beard?
He was looking for love in all the wrong places.
What do groupies and carpenters have in common?
They love working with wood, do a lot of screwing and both have saws in their boxes.
What’s the difference between a manufactured boy band and a magician?
The magician has a cunning array of stunts.
How do you know when the stage is level?
The drummer drools from both sides of his mouth.
How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just steal somebody else's light.
What do you call a guitarist who breaks up with his girlfriend?
Homeless.
How can you tell when a drummer is at your door?
The knocks get faster.
How does a lead guitarist change a lightbulb?
He grabs onto it and the world revolves around him.
How many sound men does it take to change a lightbulb?
One, two, one, two, two, two, two, four, four, one, two...
How many singers does it take to roof a house?
Depends how thinly you slice them.
Do you know what happens when a bass player takes Viagra?
He gets taller.
How do you get a drummer to climb on the roof?
Tell him the drinks are on the house.
Why did the keyboard player keep a coat hanger on his back seat?
In case he locked the keys in his car.
What's the difference between a groupie and the Titanic?
They know how many men went down on the Titanic.
How do you keep a drummer busy for hours?
Write "please turn over" on both sides of a piece of paper.
Why are jokes about drummers so short?
So bass players can remember them.
How do you drive a singer insane?
Hide his mirror.
